Run as Fast as You Can!

I was just sitting here, sipping on some peppermint tea, when the thought occurred to me, "you haven't blogged in over a week". Guess I should get on that, eh?

Well, what's the topic today Blogospehere? Pick your poison....actually I'm going to pick it for you.

I've got two topics rolling around in my mind and can't really figure out which one is more blog worthy at the moment.

Decisions, decisions...

Ok...I've got it.

I recently had a conversation with one of my friends about guys.

She asked me, "what does it mean when a guy says he can't give you what you want" but continues to talk to you as if you're still in a relationship?

With as serious a face as I could muster, I told her it means, " Run as fast as you can in the other direction. Do NOT pass go, Do NOT collect $200. Just RUN."

Her eyes got wide and her mouth fell open.

I snorted and then laughed.

I don't think that's what she was expecting to hear. Although I was kidding around with her, I was mostly serious. My own personal experience with relationships has taught me that what's really going on in a guy's head when he pulls the, "I can't give you what you want" is as follows, quoting from a fellow blogger,

‘I’ve told you that I cannot give you what you want. I am giving you a heads up and if you don’t have enough self-respect to move on and you stick around, I am not responsible for any pain that you may experience, even if I continue to get an ego stroke or lean on your shoulder and moan. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because I’m still around that I’m in a position to give you what you want – I’m not, but I am all out for getting my own needs met if you’re going to stick around and let me use you up.’

A bit blunt, but true nonetheless.  A decent guy will not only tell you he can't give you what you want, he will actually remove himself from the relationship and move on, allowing you the chance to do the same. A not-so decent guy? He's the one that will stick around to enjoy the fringe benefits, while you remain miserable because although you have a non-relationship relationship (ha, think about that one)it's not the kind of relationship you want, need, or deserve.

Quoting Natalie Lue again,

When a man makes statements like ‘I can’t give you what you want’ and stays in the relationship he’s a lazy man who is reshaping the relationship on his terms and trying to manage down your needs and expectations so that he can get his needs met with minimal contribution while marginalizing your own needs. He knows you’re not ‘the one’ but he’s OK with passing time. He’s saying ‘I can’t be the man you want but if you’re OK with sticking around for some sub par treatment, what kind of man would I be to pass up the fringe benefits?

I promise I'm not a she-woman man hater. These are, however, the facts of the matter, as I and plenty of other women have experienced them.

The conversation ended with her being thoroughly disgusted with the male in question and I have to admit, I was a little irritated too. But I couldn't place too much blame on this guy's shoulders. She was, after all, allowing the behavior to occur and we teach people how to treat us by what we accept from them.

She was also looking for a hidden meaning to his words. There weren't any. She simply didn't want to accept the fact that she was being very gently "let down".

Let me clarify, there is nothing wrong with a man telling a girl that he can't give her what she needs. What IS wrong is when after telling her that, he stays in the relationship or non-relationship or whatever he wants to call it. And then he says the girl is acting like a victim because she breaches the subject of his dismissal of her needs. " Well, I told you not to expect anything from me. I told you I couldn't be what you needed". And in his mind his hands are clean. He did, after all, tell you that. It's not his fault you stayed.

Ugh. What complete and utter rubbish.

His hands are NOT clean.

Ok. So maybe I am a she-woman man hater. Haha. I do have a bee in my bonnet and a bone to pick with the men who think they've gotten over on us women.

News Flash: THEY HAVE NOT.

Women of the World! In the words of Mrs. Banks...Cast off the shackles of yesterday!

Ok.

I'll get down from my soap box now.

Thoughts, Blog Land?

All quotes credited to: Reader Question: What does it mean when a man says, 'I can't give you what you want'? By Natalie Lue author of Baggage Reclaim

And Time Goes By....

I'm having a hard time believing that August is almost over. Before you know it will be Christmas time and the eve of a new year. But one thing at a time. I worked late last night and was driving home a little bit after 8. I was surprised to find that the sun was already starting to go down. By the time 9 rolled around, it was almost completely dark.

The days are getting shorter, announcing subtly to the world that one season is about to end and another about to begin. Fall, is as I'm sure I've mentioned before, my favorite time of year. I love the way the leaves look when they're turning colors and falling to the ground. I love how it's cool in the mornings and evenings. I love the smell of bonfires. I love going to pick pumpkins and buying Chrysanthemums for our balcony! Ah, fall!

But, we're not quite there yet. So for the time being I'm still enjoying the summer heat, the fact that the kids have gone back to school, and that my second to last semester of college has begun, as well. As is always the case, my postings may be fewer in number as I dive into the books and expend my creative energies on sucking up as much of the world of Tort Law and Civil Procedure as I can. I will, however, attempt to hammer out at least one post a week and maybe even surprise you with another excerpt from my book, if I can squeeze time in for more writing in that area too.

Oh! And here's a random question, which I really need an answer to. When is it ok, if ever, to ask a guy to dinner? Yes, Blog Land, someone new has caught my eye....but I don't know if I've caught his....should I ask? Or just wait for him to? Would love to hear your opinion on this matter!

Only 2 more days until the weekend!

Happy Wednesday!

QuirkyAlone

I have finally figured out what I am. I am a quirkyalone.

Nope...that's not a typo...let me help you out with the official definition.

Quirkyalone: n. adj. a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and prefers being single to dating for the sake of dating. It’s a mindset. Quirkyalone is not anti-love. It is pro-love. It is not anti-dating. It is anti-compulsory dating. 

The idea of quirkyalone was invented by a woman named Sasha Cagen. She has written a book and has a website. The Quirkyalone movement began with a simple essay. 


Now, to many of my readers this post may seem like it came out of the clear-blue sky. I'm not one to talk much about my love life...or rather the lack there-of...at least not on the World Wide Web. However, as my 25th birthday rapidly approaches, I have become increasingly aware that well...I'm alone. A few of my closest friends have been among the unfortunate set of people whose phones have been plaugued with "woe-is me, I'm alone" text messages over the last week. 

Now just to clarify...I'm usually pretty content with my single-hood. But...well...we all have our moments...or weeks. Ha. If there's anything that I hate, it's that feeling of discontentment with things as the are, yet an inability to change things. I have been told on numerous occassions, "Well, why don't you get out there just to date around." Um...because...that's a waste of my time? Duh. What's the point in dating just for the sake of dating? I don't like the idea. And sometimes...as much I hate going home after an evening out with friends to an empty apartment...I would prefer that to dating someone that I merely tolerate just because I don't want to be alone. 


It's a weird existence. A Catch-22 of sorts. The inevitable lonlieness that is a natural part of being single...and the incredible freedom of not settling either.


I would like to be in a relationship. In fact, I love being in relationships...but is it too much to want fireworks? Or at least a little bit of lightning? Ha. Nope. I think not and guess what? I won't settle for less. 


That being said, I officially dub myself a quirkyalone. 


And if Mr. Right comes along sometime soon...no one will be more surprised than me!

Below I've added the excerpt of Sasha Cagen's original essay. Pay attention...it could be you!

People Like Us: The Quirkyalones
by Sasha Cagen

I am, perhaps, what you might call deeply single. Almost never ever in a relationship. Until recently, I wondered whether there might be something weird about me. But then lonely romantics began to grace the covers of TV Guide and Mademoiselle. From Ally McBeal to Sex in the City, a spotlight came to shine on the forever single. If these shows had touched such a nerve in our culture, I began to think, perhaps I was not so alone after all.

The morning after New Year’s Eve (another kissless one, of course), a certain jumble of syllables came to me. When I told my friends about my idea, their faces lit up with instant recognition: the quirkyalone.

If Jung was right, that people are different in fundamental ways that drive them from within, then the quirkyalone is simply to be added to the pantheon of personality types assembled over the 20th century. Only now, when the idea of marrying at age 20 has become thoroughly passé, are we quirkyalones emerging in greater numbers.

We are the puzzle pieces who seldom fit with other puzzle pieces. Romantics, idealists, eccentrics, we inhabit singledom as our natural resting state. In a world where proms and marriage define the social order, we are, by force of our personalities and inner strength, rebels.

For the quirkyalone, there is no patience for dating just for the sake of not being alone. We want a miracle. Out of millions, we have to find the one who will understand.

Better to be untethered and open to possibility: living for the exhilaration of meeting someone new, of not knowing what the night will bring. We quirkyalones seek momentous meetings.

By the same token, being alone is understood as a wellspring of feeling and experience. There is a bittersweet fondness for silence. 

Sometimes, though, we wonder whether we have painted ourselves into a corner. Standards that started out high only become higher once you realize the contours of this existence. When we do find a match, we verge on obsessive—or we resist.

And so, a community of like-minded souls is essential.

Since fellow quirkyalones are not abundant (we are probably less than 5 percent of the population), I recommend reading the patron saint of solitude: German poet Rainer Maria Rilke. Even 100 years after its publication, Letters to a Young Poet still feels like it was written for us: “You should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to break out of it,” Rilke writes. “People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of easy, but it is clear that we must hold to that which is difficult.”

Rilke is right. Being quirkyalone can be difficult. Everyone else is part of a couple! Still, there are advantages. No one can take our lives away by breaking up with us. Instead of sacrificing our social constellation for the one all-consuming individual, we seek empathy from friends. We have significant others.

And so, when my friend asks me whether being quirkyalone is a life sentence, I say, yes, at the core, one is always quirkyalone. But when one quirkyalone finds another, oooh la la. The earth quakes.

—From To-Do List, July 2000, and Utne Reader, September 2000.

What do you think? Could that be you too?

Deal? Or No Deal?

My apologies for those of you who happen to be amongst my male readers, as this post is directed primarily to the ladies. All the same, I'm sure you'll find this information useful too. 


 I'm an independent woman, but I am by no means a man-hater. However, yesterday, as my sister, one of our long time friends, and I sat in our kitchen, we began chatting about a lady who recently got her groove back after her divorce. This of course led to further discussion of the men each of us have encountered in our separate lives. If I could sum up the entire conversation we had in a single sentence, I would quote the famous Maya Angelou. She said, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." 


A very wise lady told me recently that one of the greatest determiners of your future happiness will be the choice you make for a spouse. This same lady told me to learn to look with my eyes and not my ears, because actions speak louder than words. It is a person's actions that show you what their true character is. 


A different lady whom I respect, who happens to be a psychologist, also told me that the greatest determination of future behavior is past behavior. 


Don't mistake me...I am a firm believer that the Blood of Jesus can change anyone and anything. But people have to want to change. 


Many older women that I have talked with whose marriages have failed, cannot stress enough to me to never, never settle. Furthermore, if you date a tiger, become engaged to a tiger, marry a tiger...don't expect to find a cheetah in the bed with you 3 months after the honeymoon. 


I count it an immense advantage to have the above information. I have no significant other, and no prospects at the moment, but I know that when the time comes, this knowledge will be worth it's weight in gold. 


For all their admirable qualities, all men have faults. When you see those faults, don't try to brush them under the rug and try to convince yourself they're not there. When someone shows you who they are...BELIEVE THEM. And then decide if that's something you can deal with...or if it's a deal breaker. 


I repeat again...


THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM. 

Retraction

Today, another of my very close friends, got married. The chapel where the ceremony was  held was beautifully decorated in pink and black, the bridesmaids were arrayed in the same, and the bride was beyond radiant. She glowed.

I have been very vocal this past week about how much I hate weddings, that when it's my turn I'm going to elope...blah, blah, blah. Well, folks...I take it all back, because I realized that I do not hate weddings...I just don't particularly like weddings that aren't mine. Yeah, it sounds horrible I know, and perhaps hate is too strong a word, but as I've stated in previous postings, I have been in at least one wedding for the last 4 years. With the news of each new engagement, with each picture text received of the engagement ring, with each dress fitting, rehersal dinner, and ceremony, my despair would grow as what I ultimately want is once again waved before my face, only to remind me of what I do not have. So, to protect my soft heart that breaks a little bit more with each passing wedding, my mouth utters the hard words "I hate weddings". I don't, actually. At the risk  of sounding cliched, I'll say that they are beautiful events that capture the beauty of newfound love. Corny? Perhaps. True nonetheless? Yes.

So, to all of you who have heard that phrase uttered from my mouth these last few weeks, please disregard them, and know that I've said those words to shield myself from my discouragement and the fear that while my  friends start their married lives together, have families, etc, I will forever be alone...You have your coping mechanisms...I have mine.

I know what colors I want. I know what songs I want sung. I know who my bridesmaids will be. I know that I want it to be very small, with only our closest friends and family attending. I know that I want an evening wedding, and a reception area with a dance floor, so that I can dance with my dad and hubby in turn. Yes, I have very grandiose schemes and plans...I only lack one thing...the Groom. Teehee. It's ok. I know he'll get here in time. I've often joked with my  friends, that my husband is in Africa, he's walking, then he has to get in a row boat, then he has to walk some more...I could very well be 30 before he gets here. LOL. But of this I am sure, he IS coming. Ha.

Always a Bridesmaid...

I have been in at least one wedding a year for the past 3 years, and this year will be in another. It's been fun. There really is nothing quite like the hustle and bustle of getting ready for a wedding, and it is a great honor to be asked to be a bride's maid or maid of honor for a friend on what is sure to be one of the single most important days of her life.

When I told my mother that one more of my friends was getting hitched, and that she had asked me to be in the wedding, she got that sympathetic "mom look" and said, "does it bother you that most of your close friends are getting married and you're still single?"

When I mentioned to another friend that I had accepted to be in another wedding, their response was, " Man, you're gonna be like that girl in the movie 27 Dresses!" 

Ha...gee thanks!

I will admit, sometimes it does get nerve wracking being one of the only single gals left in my little circle of friends. Ok. I'll be honest. It can be VERY nerve wracking. If I had a dollar for every time someone came up to me at the last wedding I was in and said, "When are you gonna get married?" or came and patted me on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry honey, your turn will come soon enough"....I would be quite wealthy. 

I'm 23. Hardly an old maid. I hate that everyone assumes that just because I'm unattached that this makes me, by default, unhappy and lonely. Or that I'm on constant lookout for a husband, so everyone tries to fix me up with their friends or friends of friends.

Yes, sometimes I do get lonely. Yes, sometimes I do feel sad, but this does NOT make me desperate. No, I do not want to date your 3rd cousin by marriage who has a prison record. Neither do I want to be introduced to your 40 year old uncle with a bald spot. In the words of Delta Burke, " I don't like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone."

I am single because I choose to be single. Yes, I heard that collective gasp. You can close your mouth now. Truthfully,  in the last couple of years I have had a few guys that have expressed interest, and I've even gone on a few dates with them. But...there were no fireworks. Call me stupid if you want, call it living in a dream world...but me? I need fireworks.

I've experienced it before, the instant connection with another human being. The very first time you talk to this person, it's thrilling, even if you're only friends, because the chemistry is electric and you know that this is going to turn into something more. 

I love being in love. It's fun and I've never felt more alive than when I loved someone with everything, and was pretty sure he felt the same way. But, as of yet, I haven't been able to find anyone that has been able to make me feel this way again. And so, I remain...single. And you know what? It's ok. 

"No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I don't need a boyfriend. I am enough. And I am complete just the way I am. I choose to be single, just like I choose to not listen to people who make marriage seem like the only possible pinnacle a life can have." - Lauren Rohrer

When Mr. Right Comes at the Wrong Time

In case you haven't noticed from the recent posts that are noticeably lacking in substance, I am experiencing writer's block. So, for the next few posts( or until the block abates) I will share with you a few of my favorite articles from other bloggers, writers, etc. I don't agree with everything in the following article...but I do agree with a lot. Enjoy!

This is an article that appeared in the NST (M'sia) on Jan 31, 2005, written by Janice Wong. An excellent write-up on what I truly feel is so true. Hope you all enjoy it too.]

Timing is everything, even in love. And when you are not ready to commit, you could end up regretting it.

Sometimes, timing rather than love decides who we end up being with - or without.

Only some lucky people marry the loves of their lives. The rest marry the most suitable person who comes along when they are ready to settle down.

Even if the love of one's life appears when one is single, one may not be in the right frame of mind to recognise him or her as such.

And then love passes by.

Life is littered with near misses and lost opportunities.

I attended my ex-boyfriend's wedding last month, which triggered many memories.

We met five years ago when I was 23 and he 31. It was love at first sight. He had an established career, was down-to-earth and steadfastly religious. I was then working as an air stewardess and my head was - literally and metaphorically - in the clouds.

Despite our differences, we were soulmates. We had the same quirky sense of humour and shared long, intense overnight conversations.

But human nature is perverse. When someone is excessively nice to us, we start taking things for granted, instead of appreciating them even more.

My ex had everything I could want in a husband - except that I was not looking for one. A boyfriend was all I could cope with then. I loved fast cars, danced wildly at Zouk and took off on shopping holidays at a whim. My life revolved around me, myself and I.

In the six months that we were together, he popped the question several times and talked ad nauseam about having children. Yes, I did often fantasize about a Vera Wang wedding gown, but I was at that stage of my life when I was more interested in Guess than Baby Guess.

And where - dare I admit it? - I still wanted to meet other men.

So I was a 23-year-old with the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old. Responsibility? Wasn't that for adults?

In short, I met Mr Right at the wrong time.

The more he talked about marriage, the more I felt pressured and the more pressured I felt, the more irritable I became. I was too impatient to compromise. Every trivial matter blew up as a big deal. My mood obliterated the good in our relationship and reached a point where I just wanted out.

He was heartbroken; I was sad but relieved. He still called me regularly, beseeching me to change my mind. The calls stopped finally after a year. Now and then, we say 'Hi' via e-mail.

I had a few painful relationships after that. Served me right, as those rude wake-up calls were necessary for me to realise the meaninglessness of my hedonistic high life. I missed the tenderness of my ex and began having second thoughts.

Perhaps I also felt more urgency to find someone marriageable before my biological clock reached zero hour. It dawned on me that I am not a pixie like Peter Pan who can flit around forever. One day, I'd wake up sick and alone when my fair weather friends flit away.

But I was too proud and too unsure of my ex's reaction to call him until last year.

The first thing he told me excitedly was that he had found The One. My heart tumbled to my feet. So, that's Fate.

If only I could turn back time. If only I had met him later. If only... what feeble words.

These days, I am more circumspect. I have come to terms with my loss. There is nothing I can do about timing, but I can do everything about my choices.

Sometimes, when the nights get lonely, I toy with the idea of marrying a platonic friend of mine, who often assures me earnestly that, if the worst comes to the worst, he'd be willing to marry me.

But I always dismiss that. I have already made one mistake. I should not make another by settling for second best merely for the sake of getting hitched - only to regret it soon after.

Hopefully, the best is not over but yet to be