Degrees of Exhaustion

What I would love to have right now is a full body massage. And while they're at it...could you smooth the wrinkles out of my soul too? 

It amazes me when I think of how many different kinds of way there are to be exhausted.  There's the simple tiredness that comes staying up a few hours too late and then having to wake up with the birds the next morning. The sleepiness you feel after a night spent with your closest girl friends. The divine exhaustion laced with utter joy after giving birth to a child. The tiredness that comes after a hard days work. 

What about exhaustion of the soul?  Exhaustion of the body? What about the exhaustion that is a mix of both?

I'm tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I. Am. Exhausted. 

I suppose it goes without saying that my job is very physically demanding. The bending, pushing, and pulling that I do for 9 hours at a time can, for obvious reasons take a toll on the body. What's worse? Mental and emotional strain on top of it. I'm tired of this dead-end job. I'm tired of pretending to like people I can't stand. I'm tired of closing my mouth just to keep the peace. I'm tired of being nice when really I want to explode. Ha...and that's just at work. 

Within my personal life, I have recently been confronted with a possibility...one that I never thought would come. The likelihood of this possibility actually turning  into anything more is slim to none. There is nothing I can do. I. MEAN. NOTHING. Except...wait on God. Maybe it will happen...it probably won't. The hardest part is the waiting. There are only 2 possible outcomes (that I can see). 1: A miracle will happen or 2: I will have learned a valuable lesson about letting God be the divine decider and controller of EVERYTHING in my life. 

In the meantime, subconsciously...I worry. How do I know I'm worrying? The tale tell gnawing in the pit of my stomach...the loss of appetite...the tightness in my chest and lungs. I am on my way to a full fledged temper tantrum, which will probably occur at work, and will then be followed by a panic attack the likes of which hasn't occurred in nearly 2 years. 

I can feel myself being pushed a little more everyday. The work issues. Personal issues. Money issues. God issues. Everything. I'm exhausted and I'm overwhelmed. 

I need a vacation. With a masseuse. With a glass of Moscato. With a bottle of Xanax. With 50 million dollars.

***I will not pretend this is a well written post....you don't have to pretend it is either. This is what exhaustion does to writers.