Light at the end of the Tunnel

I am on the upswing. What exactly does this mean? It means that my laundry is folded and put away. It means that the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean; that the checkbook is balanced...pretty much my world is in order. Don't you just love the feeling of checking something off of a list? That feeling of accomplishement? Ha. Maybe that's just me.

Even now you may be wondering, ok soo? Big deal, you're life is in order. No cause for celebration. Well, for me it is, indeed, cause for celebration. Welcome to the world of one who suffers from reoccuring bouts of depression and anxiety. My official diagnosis is Minor Depressive Disorder (Not Otherwise Specified).

Many people, who know me only on the surface level, find this extremely hard to believe. I'm usually smiling and have a pretty easy going, and laid back personality. They would never believe that there are days when I can hardly get out of bed. Thankfully, those times have been fewer and far between in the last few months.

You may have been wondering why I began this article discussing the fact that my house and life in general is on order. I did this because, the best indicator of what's going on inside my head is  how my house looks, how the inside of my car looks, and how I look. Yes, I know, it seems weird, but it's true none the less. If you asked me the biggest indicator that I'm in the middle of a depressive bout, it would be that I lose interest in pretty much everything And I sleep. A lot.

And when I lose interest, I mean I really lose interest. So, my perfectionist Virgo tendencies go by the way side, and I could really care less, whether the kitchen sink is lost under a mountain range of dishes, if the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in 2 weeks, or if my checking account is 100 dollars in the negative, because I simply haven't cared enough to balance my checkbook. You might also notice that I've dropped off the face of the earth. I go nowhere. Unless it's absolutely necessary.  Yeah. It can get pretty bad.

The hardest part? Dealing with people who don't understand what it really means to struggle with depression. It isn't like any other illness. You don't get red spots. You don't have a runny nose. You don't get a fever. To everyone else you seem perfectly fine. I've had people say, "Why don't you just snap out of it?!" 'It's all in your head!" "You could get better if you really wanted to!" These are things people have actually said to me. 

In the past I've shied away from telling people about my struggle because, strangely enough, to some people, depression, still seems to be one of those taboo "mental illness"things. When I do tell people that I have anxiety problems as well as depression, and I see that uncomfortable look come across their face, I laughingly reassure them saying, "Don't worry I'm not a crazy psycho who's going to start foaming at the mouth or talking to people who aren't there." Haha. It just means that my lows are lower and longer, and sometimes, my highs higher, but shorter.

What I try to remember, and what my doctor has tried to drill into my head is that depression IS an illness. Brain chemistry plays the largest role in what triggers and causes depression. Doctors are now seeing, through MRIs, that the parts of the brain that control things like thinking, sleep, appetite, and mood regulation, don't seem to be functioning normally in people who have received this diagnosis. So, while there is a type of depression that is caused by a specific event (divorce, miscarriage), there is  also that which is long term, and basically caused by chemical imbalance or disfunction. For those of us who suffer from the latter, that's why we can't just "snap out of it".

The following is a definition of Minor Depressive Disorder: Minor depressive disorder is diagnosed by identifying a mood disturbance or loss of pleasure along with at least two, but less than five, of the other major depressive disorder symptoms. Symptoms include a rapid weight change without cause, insomnia or hypersomnia, daily fatigue, inappropriate guilt, poor concentration and thoughts of death without intent or plan to commit suicide. Minor depression is episodic and symptoms are not significant enough to impair functioning to the level of major depression. Symptoms are also less severe and more manageable.

 It was difficult at first, because I felt like I could deal with everything I was feeling just fine on my own...Then came the day where I, out of the blue, quit my job, because I just couldn't handle coping with my emotions, my job, my schoolwork, and my downward sliding GPA. That was the day I realized I couldn't do this by myself anymore, and that I didn't have to. 

That "Aha!" moment was in April, 2 years ago. Since then I have only had 2 major reoccurring episodes. I am not ashamed to say that I am taking medication to help keep the above mentioned symptoms in check. I'm not ashamed to say that about once or twice a month I go and talk to a wonderful counselor. I love my life. I have a job that I love going to everyday( for the most part). A wonderful group of friends and family that love and support me. And I have a wonderful Savior, who stands beside me every step of everyday. I just also happen to struggle with anxiety and depression. Yes, the disorder has helped me become who I am, but it does not define me. Yeah, so, some days I might cry a lot. Some days I might really have a hard time getting up and about. Some days it's all I can do hold my head up. But let me tell you one thing world, it is the bad days that make the good ones all the more sweet, all the more lovely.

Thanks Pam for the topic suggestion!!

To learn more about Depression go to:

Read more: Definition of Minor Depression | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_5508852_definition-minor-depression.html#ixzz1Lsjjy1Zq