I've had several readers ask me how my novel went and figured it was time to confess that despite my best efforts, I was unable to finish. I did, however reach 35,000 words which is no small feat. I am continuing to write it, and will hopefully finish by the end of the month. I finish with one class on Sunday and the other next Sunday, so I should be able to devote more time to writing my zany tale.
I have also had several readers ask me to post another excerpt...so...here it is. Please keep in mind that this is still the roughest of rough drafts. No editing has occurred, so please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors.
Yes. She was
definitely back in Fanglethorn’s office turned corridor of madness. Any second
now she expected a decidedly Cheshire-y smile without a face to appear.
Had she fallen
down on her way to the Professor’s office? Had she actually every made it
there? Had she been hit by a bus crossing the street to campus? Had her Caramel
Apple Spice from Starbucks been drugged?
She reached out
and touched the black walls of the corridor. Real.
She reached into
her pocket and felt the little gold snail nose. Real.
So what now?
What had the note said? She must go forward to go back and must find what is
hidden. Well, she had found one thing that was hidden and apparently the only
way to get out of this madness was to go through another doorway.
She just hoped
that whatever insanity lay behind the next door, it wouldn’t include being
abused by farm animals who thought they were people or being cooked for dinner.
Lucy walked down
the corridor a ways and then paused in front of the door labeled, “Christmas,
sir, is a humbug”. Hmm. Well if the people through this doorway thought Christmas
was a humbug, then they were less likely to consider cooking her as the main
course of a Christmas dinner.
She breathed in
and the opened the door.
It was cold.
That was the first thing she noticed on the other side of the door.
The second thing
she noticed was that everywhere around her was an irritating humming sound.
She glanced
around, attempting to determine the source of the humming. She appeared to be
in someone’s home. An old home, the kind you see in movies with a Victorian
setting. It apparently didn’t have central heating and and as she walked from
room to room she noticed that none of the massive fireplaces were lit. No
wonder it wsa freezing.
The house
appeared to be deserted. Except for the humming sound, which led her to believe
that someone was somewhere in the massive house.
She was still
exploring when she noticed that one of the window sills seemed to be moving.
Impossible. How could a window sill move. But wait. She was in Crazy Town. If
pigs thought they were people, then window sills could move. Against her better
judgement, she walked slowly to the window and as she did so, the humming sound
grew louder.
What she saw
terrified and disgusted her. On the sill, were little creatures, bout the size
of humming birds, white, red, and green with the number 25 on their backs. She
had found the source of the humming sound.
“What are these
things?” she wondered aloud.
“They’re
Hum-Bugs of course” a voice said from behind her.
Lucy whirled
around around and promptly lost her balance and fell to the ground.
The humming
noise increased. Were those buggy things laughing at her? She adjusted her
glasses and looked at the person whose presence, until now had been unknown.
“You’re the
snail girl!”, Lucy exclaimed in surprise.
“What?”, the
girl asked.
“The snail girl,
form the barn…don’t you remember me?” Lucy asked.
The girl just
stared at her.
Lucy decided to
try another tactic. “ So, uh, what did you say these things were?”
The strange girl
looked around as if trying to figure out who was asking her the question.
“They’re
Hum-Bugs.” She answered finally in her whispery voice.
“Well what
exactly is a Hum-Bug” Lucy asked.
The strange girl
once again looked around the room, as if trying to figure out how she gotten
there and why Lucy was still asking her questions.
“Scrooge-Bugs.
They’re bugs that Mr. Ebenezer created to ward off Christmas time. That’s why
they’re at all the window sills. To keep the Christmas spirit from getting in.”
Lucy began
blinking her eyes rapidly.
“But if they’re
to keep the Christmas spirit out, then why are they red, white, and green? And
why do they have the number 25 on their backs?”
The strange girl
sighed. “ Because, they’re trying to make the Christmas spirit think that the
house already is here in the house.”
Lucy thought
about this for a moment. She tried to wrap her head around what the strange
girl was saying, but when it came down to it, it just wasn’t making any sense.
“Well, I’m
looking for something that’s hidden.” Lucy explained.
“Oh?” the girl
said, “Well that’s nice, what is it?”
Lucy looked
sheepishly at the child. “I was kind of hoping you could tell me”.
The child walked
to the window sill and picked up a Hum-Bug. She pulled both of it’s wings off.
“ That’s
strange. It seems odd trying to find something but not knowing what it is.” The
girl said slowly. “ Like something a crazy person would do.”
The child picked
up another Hum-Bug and began pulling off it’s wings as well. As she did, she
turned her round, doll-like eyes on Lucy.
“Are you a crazy
person?” She asked.
Lucy was about
to reply with a resounding NO, but then she stopped herself. Maybe she was
crazy. After all, she had just come from Charlotte’s Web Land and now she was
apparently in some warped version of Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol.
“I-I-don’t
know”.
“ If I were you”
the girl whispered, “I would try to figure that out.”
“Duly noted”
Lucy said, somewhat amused. “In the meantime, do you know where I might start
looking for something that is hidden?”
“I think you
should talk to Mr. Ebenezer. He’s around here somewhere. He never leaves this
house anymore. He likes to talk to ghosts. Mostly his friend Jacob.”
Great. Now she
was supposed to seek out a man who was obviously a little deranged that liked
to talk to ghosts. And who tried to keep Christmas out by guarding his window
sills with Hum-Bugs.
The strange girl
was now humming to herself. Definitely something a little off about her too,
Lucy decided.
Since she had
seen most of the first floor, she made her way in the dimly lit rooms to a
stairwell. It looked exactly like the stairwell in the movie version of A Christmas Carol. She half expected to
find the undertaker and the maid waiting for her at the top. Thankfully no one
was there. She turned to her left and saw a door with light coming from
underneath. It was the only light in the long corridor. She went to the door
and knocked timidly. After all, there would be a crazy man inside.
There was no
answer. She knocked again, this time a bit louder. Still no answer. She was
just about to knock one last time when the door opened.
“Were you
intending to knock on my facce youg lady?” the man asked peevishly.
Before her stood
an old man, stooped, with graying hair and in a dirty dressing gown.
She started
blinking. “Uh, well, no sir”, she said in a whisper, “I was just about to knock
again when you opened the door.”
“Knock again,
eh? What? You think just because I’m an old man I can’t hear when someone
knocks at my door?” here he took huffed. “What a stupid girl”.
Lucy was just
about to say that she was quite tired of being abused by people who were
obviously a bit insane, and had in fact opened her mouth to communicate this,
when she suddenly remembered that she needed this old coot’s help. She shut her
mouth. It wouldn’t do to offend him.
“I am sorry,
sir. I just thought you might be asleep or something” she said in a
conciliatory tone.
The old man
cackled. “Sleep? Whoever heard of such nonsense?” He looked around as if
talking to a room full of people. “There’s no time for such frivolous
activities as sleep when there’s a holiday to keep out of the house! And the
Hum-Bugs! There’s the Hum-Bug hives that must be maintained! Ha! Sleep the girl
says!”
He cackled and
made his way back to a huge and faded lazy boy chair.
Odd. Did they even have chairs that
reclined like that back in Dicken’s day?
“SO how did you
get in my house, dumb girl? Did that old wing pulling monster of a child let
you in?”
“Oh no! I came
in through a door.”
“Well”, he said
dryly, it would be most difficult to come in through a window, wouldn’t you
say?”
Lucy rolled her
eyes. These people and their wretched sarcasm.
“I meant a came
in through a door in Professor Fanglethorn’s office” she corrected.
“Ah, Fanglethorn
sent you, eh? Funny that. He usually sends only smart people through his
office. He must have made an exception for you.” He glanced slyly at her from
the corners of his eyes, trying to surmise whether such audacious rudeness
would get under her skin.
Lucy blinked.
After a few minutes of silence he spoke
“Well, I can see
that you’re a hard nut to crack” he said, “so what can I do for you?”
“I’m looking for
something, something that is hidden.” She explained.
“And let me
guess, you have no idea what is hidden that you must find.”
Lucy nodded and
the old man sighed.
“It’s always the
same with these nit-wits Fanglethorn sends through. They’re always looking for
something and don’t have any idea as to what it is. Looney it is.”
The phrase, “Pot
calling the kettle black” ran through her mind. Of all the nerve.
Her mouth,
however, she held shut.
Suddenly he
flipped over in the chair and attempted a hand stand. The chair rocked
precariously and he came flying out of it.
Lucy gasped and
the humming sound which had grown quieter since she had entered the room,
suddenly grew louder. She ran over to where the old guy lay.
“Don’t worry
girl”, he said through his dressing gown which was now over his head, “I’m
quite all right, it’s an amusement for Hum-Bugs you see!”
She took a step
back and watched, astonished, as he righted himself.
“Good for the
Hum-Bugs?” she asked.
“Yes, yes, yes.
One has to keep them amused or they’ll bite you.”
“And what
happens if they bite you?” Lucy asked.
“You’ll either
turn into a Hum-Bug or be turned into a Christmas Ham.” The man said matter of
factly.
“ I should have
known” she said in an exasperatd tone.
What was with
these people and their fixation of turning people into items to be eaten for
dinner? And why did everyone seem to know who Professor Fanglethorn was?
“So please, sir,
how can I find whatever it is that is hidden?”
“Oh that’s
easy”, he explained, “you must become what you fear. Now go away.”
“Become what I
fear?” she questioned.
“That’s what I
said, stupid child. There’s something in this house that terrifies you, or else
Fanglethorn wouldn’t have sent you here.”
Ebenezer
approached her.
“Here” he said,
“take a look at this”.
In his hand he
held a Hum-Bug. Lucy took a step back.
“No thank you. I
hate things that crawl.”
“Excellent!” he
said happily, “Then we’ve discovered what it is you fear!”
Her jaw dropped.
Behind her glasses, her eyes began to blink rapidly. She was too appalled to
speak the words that had formed in her mind. She closed her mouth. Then opened
it again.
“You know my
dear” Old Ebenezer said in a confidential whisper, “I’m sure you’re quite an
attractive girl, and I admit the lighting in this old room isn’t ideal, but
with those glasses and your mouth opening and closing like that, you look like
a cross between an owl and a cod fish.”
He finished this
pronouncement with a snort and then collapsed into laughter in his chair.
To be honest,
she was getting very offended with being called a cod-fish. The owl comparison
she didn’t mind so much because she had always thought of them as a scholarly
type of bird, like Owl in Winnie the Pooh. But a cod-fish? It had no redeeming
qualities that she could think of. Except maybe that it was tasty to eat. And
in light of her experience in the barn yard, that was the last thing she wanted to think about. She decided to
ignore Ebenezer’s rudeness.
“So I must
become what I fear? And what I fear most in this house are the Hum-Bugs. So I
must become a Hum-Bug?”
“Ebenezer began
clapping. “Bravo! What excellent deductive reasoning you have, my girl.”
“But how?” she
asked.
“By letting it
bite you of course!”
“But I thought
you said if it bit you, you could be turned into a Christmas Ham!”, she
practically shouted.
“My girl, we’ve
established that I am not hard of hearing! Please lower your voice or I shall
be forced to call for a policeman.”
“What?!” Lucy
said, confused.
“ You will
either be turned into a Hum-Bug or a Ham.”
“But I don’t
want t be turned into a Ham! I don’t want to be eaten for Christmas Dinner!”
“Oh you won’t
be” he explained calmly, “ At least not by me. Christmas, ma’am, is a humbug.”
“Well, that’s a
relief” she said with a sigh.
“But all people
turned into hams are promptly given to my friend Wilbur.”
Oh dear God. She
could very well still end up being on that crazy pig’s table.
She took her
glasses off and wiped them with edge of her sleeve. As if by wiping the smudges
off she could also clear the confusion away from her mind.
When she put
them back on, Ebenezer was so close that she could see his nose hairs. Ew. She
almost gagged. As she took a step back, he stepped forward. There was no
escaping this crazy man. He held out his hand to her again. From this
proximity, she could hear that the Hum-Bug was not only humming, but was
actually saying very quickly in a munchkin-like voice, “huuuuuuuuuum-bug, huuuuuuuuuuuum-bug”.
How gross and
irritating. As the nasty little booger walked around in Ebenezer’s palm, she
also noticed that a little red and green tongue with yellow spots flitting in
and out of it’s tiny mouth. A decidedly earthy smell was emanating from it. It
reminded her of something. Ah yes, smashed lightning bugs.
She was about to
raise another objection to being bitten by the weird thing, when all of a
sudden, Old Ebenezer sprang towards her, grabbed her hand, deposited the bug
into it and then forced her hand closed around it. He jumped back cackling.
She gasped and
then opened her hand just in time to see the Hum-Bug bare two vampire like
fangs and sink them into the flesh between her thumb and pointer finger.
She barely had
time to say, “Ouch!” before she became aware of a strange sensation in her
legs. She looked down and she saw her legs literally shrinking away. What was
that Alice had said? Oh right, shutting up like a telescope. That seemed to be
exactly what she was doing. She felt herself shrinking and the room around her growing
to massive proportions. The laughter still coming from Ebenezer sounded like
the blast from an elephant’s trunk through a bull horn.
She tried to
speak, but when she did, a long, butterfly-like probiscus extended from her
mouth. It was bright red with green and yellow spots. Instead of words, a
“huuuuuuuuuuum-bug” resounded from her throat.
